Skepticaemia

Do you remember your first roll of colour film? How you saved up for it and went out and shot the brightest things you could find plus a sunset? How you proudly bored everyone in the family with the slides for a month after?

Well I'm betting that you can still find those slides somewhere in the house - unless you burned the house down or lived in Darwin. Go look them out and peer through them again. Disregard the dust on the surface - overzealous housekeeping is a sign of a weak character. We're strong in my family - we've got dust bunnies the size of Volkswagens. But I digress.

Look at what you saw and recorded. Look at how you rendered it. Consider how far you have come in your photographic career if you can use the term "render" and not mean stucco on a wall. Quite an improvement, eh?

Well, spare a thought for those photographers who have not improved their focusing skill, or their ability to judge light, or their compositional eye past that first roll of Muddychrome. They still have fingerprints on the emulsion side of their digital sensors and they still have camera shake in 6 dimensions. They still take pictures of dirty dishes in the sink and give them world-changing complex titles. About the only difference between their output now and  then is that now they are iconic legends, award-winning master ambassadors, and world-famous branded artistic entities.

 Perhaps that course of study at a university or technical school or the years that you have spent competing in the camera club have been a mistake? Should you have been roaming the world on photo safaris and journalistic exploration when all you really needed was a fried egg on a plate and a cigarette butt? Perhaps you should have just gone for another sunset, but this time wrap the lens in waxed paper and kick the tripod over. Ah, regret is a difficult emotion to deal with.

Tell you what. We still have a chance. Go to your hard disk or cloud storage and draw out the first 36 images that pop up on the screen. Type in random codes if you need to. Open them in a really basic editing program and add a plug-in or app that makes a 35mm film effect on the edge of the image. Add grain. Add dust and specks if the program has it or just wash over the entire images with a picture of a dead rat at 12% transparency. Motion blur half of them. Now type the entire content of last year's motivational calendar under the images as titles - one sentence at a time. Don't stop when you get to the printer's advertisement - it can be as poignant as the rest of the thing.

Now print 'em, frame 'em, and sell 'em.

Is this a great art or what?

An Eye Opener in A4

My birthday rolled around and my friends wanted to get me a present. Passing up the hints I sent them - the advertising flyers for the Nikon D4, the Maserati, and the weekly special at Dan Murphy's - they chose a gift voucher for an online photo book publisher. It has turned out to be the best present yet, and a real learning tool.

Prior to this, like many analog photographers, I had tried my hand at calendars, posters, and self-printed photo books, and like many had found a basket of problems. Difficult to incorporate text or tables, difficult to position images, difficult to get consistent results. The cost of printing paper and chemistry made it comical rather than economical.

All changed. This latest experience was easy, seamless, and far more successful than ever before. I elected to make a book of my "Hot Rod Honeys" in 300mm x 300mm form, and downloaded the free software from the publisher to do it. Fortunately the firm that does it realizes that most people are duffers when it comes to this so they also set up a couple of instructional videos. I looked and learned.

First problem was the format that they advocated was square, not rectangular. I had to revise the cropping on some images though fortunately I tend to leave enough air around my main subject when I compose. In future I will probably opt for a different format so that I can do the landscape stuff - it is do-able but you have to do your own positioning.

Second problem - if you want a full bleed you have to get your margins out a decent way past the on-screen guide lines. No trying to squeeze that last millimeter into the square - you'll end up with a white flash at the edge of the page. See, I am learning.

Third problem: Printing is good but the paper seems thin - particularly compared to the double-sided matte or lustre paper we get for our inkjet printers. We'll have to see how well it holds up with time.

But here is where the good part starts. You choose your pictures in jpeg or tiff form, position and crop them as you will - then put on drop shadows or other frippery, and start to review your work. Look very carefully, as you get tired and miss things on the first run. I proof-read, if that is the word for a non-verbal book, at least 4 times before I picked up my obvious mistakes.

Uploading it to the firm is easy - the 60 page book with 260 Mb of info tootled off in 15 minutes and 10 days later a well-wrapped parcel dropped at the door.

I am thrilled - the pictures from my Nikon D300 that I have really only seen on screen or through my Epson printer are far more detailed than I imagined when spread out on a printed page. Even better is the realization that the screen image and the commercially printed image are the same - that time spent calibrating the screen with the little Spyder Express is well spent. The choice of colour space - Abobe RGB 1998 is also fortuitous.

Next experiment will be to search out files and images for further photo books - perhaps exotic dancers or railway locomotives - and try out two different on-line publishers. The birthday gift was a credit with a firm that operates in Melbourne so it will be interesting to see how their product compares to printing from the USA or China.

Conclusion: I thoroughly recommend that you try some of your own images in book form. You will be thrilled and you can bore the socks off your friends and family without needing to carry a laptop!

A Coupla Dollars For Your FIlm

Have you heard that one lately? I haven't - I suppose the gradual change to digital capture has changed the terminology. I wonder if acquaintances who want to avoid paying correct professional price for their event photography will be be offering a coupla dollars for my digits?

I hope they do. It will make the maths so much simpler. A dollar a digit. You can have one or two - you choose.

Of course when your relatives engage you all thought of monetary reward should be shelved. You will do the engagement party, 3 year-old's birthday party, wedding, or 50th anniversary celebration for free - your only reward will be the chance to escape at the end of the evening and the possibility of your card corrupting. Accept your fate gracefully - Batch edit the 500 pictures and burn a handful of disks and tell everyone that they are welcome to the copyright. Pray fervently they don't remember that you have a large-format printer, lest you be condemned to a month of printing...

But what to do when someone tells you that the event they want illustrated is for "charity" and they would either pay a desultory amount or nothing at all? What can you say - it is for "charity".

What you can ask is who will be exercising the act of charity and upon what premise. If your work directly feeds the hungry and clothes the naked, then you are being charitable and will be blessed for it. If your work is a tool for someone else to garner that blessing then you are merely in the business of being a tool supplier, and like Sidchrome or Snap-on, you are entitled to a correct financial reward. And in today's market, that is more than a coupla dollars for your film.

Uncle Dick

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 19

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      When you hold seminars at the Zoo do you get to go close-up to the animals?

A:      Yes. Everyone gets ready and we toss one of the staff into the tiger cage. This year it was Saul. The tiger tossed him back. Them tigers know....

Q:      In the final analysis, which camera manufacturer makes the best product?

A:      It appears to be a toss-up between Linhof and Halina. We eagerly await announcements their 2012 product line-ups.

Q:      How does one obtain photographic products from Switzerland?

A:      Based upon our experience with a number of manufacturers, you basically yodel up a valley.

Q:      What do they do with the old 616, 116, 828, 110, 126, and APS cameras these days?

A:      They send them as ballast in ships sailing back to Rochester, NY.

Q:      Why should I buy a camera now when there will be a new one coming out next month?

A:      You know that family party in a week? The one with everybody together at last and then they go away again? The world is like that all the time. You miss out, you miss out – the world won’t wind back for you. Buy the camera now.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 18

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Our camera club is going to introduce a new system of judging and grading. It is based upon a 13-part model from international galleries and takes a week to comment upon each individual image. Will this improve our pictures?

A:      Not necessarily – mind you if they replaced 15 minutes of learned commentary with a simple set of thumbscrews, standards would shoot up...

Q:      I have 50 images of urban decay and the misery of human life and I want to be hung in a gallery.

A:      You certainly do...you certainly do.

Q:      I want to touch-up a model. What do I need to do?

A:      I hesitate to offer advice on this one lest I be called into court to testify. I should think it a better idea to take her picture and then smooth out imperfections on the screen image with an editing program. Just saying....

Q:      Why are none of your answers sensible?

A:      Because this is my keyboard and I get to do the typing. If you want good sense read Roger Hicks or Spinoza. You can relieve the tension by coming into the shop and buying expensive items.

Q:      What can I get in the photographic line for my Valentine?

A:      Either a heart-shaped camera or a camera-shaped heart. Don’t laugh – we could introduce you to some customers....

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 17

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Will Centrelink pay me to start taking famous professional photographs?

A:      Based on your portfolio, I should think they will pay you to stop.

Q:      I want to rent your studio for an hour but no questions asked, okay?

A:      Just one – do you want a box of tissues with that?

Q:      Your website says you have an “R” gallery of saucy images. All I see is a bunch of food pictures. What gives?

A:      Look on the side of the plates. Diane, pepper, mushroom, tomato. What more do you want?

Q:      Which courses do I need to become a world-famous photographer?

A:      Photography 101 and Al Capone’s Guide To Business Ethics.

Q:      My photographic mentor says that I need to extend my vision and develop new interests. Then he pushes me out of the classroom and locks the door. I am confused.

A:      Been showing him your pictures again, haven’t you?

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 16

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Why don’t they make waterproof DSLR’s like they do waterproof compact cameras?

A:      They did, but people kept changing lenses at 20 metres and they got minnows onto the sensors.

Q:      Which camera do spies use these days?

A:      Latvian spies still use Minox, but that is because they are sentimental. Everyone else just use Google Earth. And you might want to stop that nude sunbaking in the back yard.....

Q:      How can I prevent being photographed by hidden police using cameras with telephoto lenses.

A:      Conduct your illegal activities on the front lawn at 10:00 in the morning. You’ll still get photographed but they can use portrait lenses. You’ll get much finer skin tones in court.

Q:      My zoom lens is soft.

A:      Well, stop leaving it on the parcel shelf of your car in the sunshine. It’ll end up a puddle of glass and plastic with a lens mount floating on top.

Q:      I want to take bridal pictures with the happy couple framed in a brandy glass or a floral heart. What equipment do I need?

A:      A safari suit, sideburns, and a body shirt plus gold chains around your neck. If you can manage a Zapata moustache and a comb-over your studio will be a success, particularly if you are a girl.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 15

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.
 

Q:      I want to buy a camera for the roll bar of my mountain bike when I take it surfing off the bungee-jumping bridge. Have you got one and where does it mount to?

A:      Yes we do, and it clamps neatly onto the end of a broken femur, collar bone, or rib.

Q:      When does a digital camera become outdated?

A:      45 seconds after we have sold the last one and 15 seconds before the manufacturer tells us he has no stock of the new ones. The interval is known in the trade as “Screaming Time”.

Q:      What will be the next medium upon which images will be  recorded? I want to buy the equipment when it is first out.

A:      When you consider that some of the historical answers to that have included dissolved guncotton, cow’s foot jelly, and 5 inch floppy discs, I really don’t want to speculate. I am not afraid of being wrong – I am afraid of being right...

Q:      Is 5000 images too many for a wedding?

A:      No, provided you never have to view them ever again.

Q:      I want to get into professional photography.

A:      Just let me cut your hand and dip this pen in your blood. Now sign the contract. Ignore the horns and tail – all photography teachers have those. Warm enough for you....? 

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 14

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Why do you keep film in the fridge at your shop?

A:      We’re too cheap to buy ice cube trays.

Q:      What is the official weight limit for camera bags in overhead lockers on passenger aircraft?

A:      If you can lift it over your head without bursting blood vessels in your eye, you can stow it in the locker. If it crashes through the fuselage to the tarmac below it is Boeing’s fault, not yours.

Q:      Is my photographic equipment safe when stowed in the hold of an aircraft?

A:      See that little wagon they use to bring it out to the plane? It used to be a bomb trolley. Guess what happens when the doors of the compartment open....

Q:      If I scan my negatives at a higher resolution will it make my images more detailed?

A:      Yes. You will be able to see the dust, scratches, and fingerprints with startling clarity.

Q:      Will I get good star trail images if I use my macro lens?

A:      Only if you are prepared to buy a fairly long ladder.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 13

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.
 

Q:      Why do old wedding photographers become embittered and savage creatures, snarling defiance to an uncaring world?

A:      It is the nature of love. Brides do that to you.

Q:      Why do some religions forbid us to take pictures inside their places of worship?

A:      They are afraid that their Deity may smite them - or be caught changing clothes – or insist on posing with lightning bolts and cherubs. Or they are just ashamed of the wallpaper.

Q:      How can I prevent my lenses from getting condensation in them when the camera is out in the open for hours taking pictures of star trails?

A:      Do it in the middle of a warm day.

Q:      If memory cards are so small and so cheap, why do manufacturers not include at least 16 Gb internal memory in all their cameras in addition to a slot for a removable card?

A:      You ask questions of frightening sensibility and I am ashamed not to be able to give you a good answer.

Q:      If solid state memory chips are so small and cheap, why do I not put all my completed data upon them instead of trusting it to a hard drive that will grind to a halt in three years?

A:      Stop asking these questions.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 12

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.
 

Q:      I have decided to sell my collection of ten 1970’s entry-level 35mm cameras to finance acquisition of a medium-format DSLR. Will I need to add to the trade-in or will there be money coming back?

A:      Are you sure you wouldn’t rather wait until the Halina company release their own medium format DSLR? I mean, brand loyalty and all that?

Q:      Why would you get a fish-eye lens for your DSLR?

A:      Just for the halibut....

Q:      I want a fisheye telephoto zoom wideangle macro for my compact camera – I see you don’t have any. Why not?

A:      We are forbidden them under the Geneva Convention, along with quadrifoil bayonets. I regret it deeply, particularly now that you have asked.

Q:      I want to be an artist, not just a photographer. How should I go about it?

A:      I should concentrate upon personal appearance first, with an emphasis upon outlandish dress and a really bad haircut. By all means have yourself tattooed if you can stand it, but in any case cultivate the sort of appearance that excites. It does not matter whether the emotion you engender is pity or disgust – the real point is to deflect attention from your images until someone is fool enough to buy one. THEN you can shave and bathe.

Q:      Why does it take so long for goods to come from the eastern states when I can get every toy I ever want from America in under a day?

A:      Because the people who are transporting your items from the eastern states are Australians like you. Got ya thinking there, didn’t I. Don’t worry, you can still poke fun at Americans when you are in the bar, but you’re gonna be waiting for that box of bits from Brisbane while you do it.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 11

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      I ordered this last week. Where is it?

A:      Damfino. They have yet to equip cardboard boxes containing lens hoods with GPS units or laser designation responders. You could be in for a wait – the tracking number is in Roman numerals....

Q:      This image appears to be soft in the corners. What are you going to do about it?

A:      Congratulate you – it is a picture of a kitten on a fur rug.

Q:      How can I prevent members of sports teams and school classes from making  “Indian Feather” finger signs behind their friend’s heads just before I take their photo.

A:      Remember what Phil Sheridan said about good Indians. I should think a .38 would suffice for most schoolboys.....

Q:      I see that they manufacture coffee cups that look like Nikon or Canon lenses. Which one would have better resolution on a small-sensor camera?

A:      Say, we’ve really got to stop using model aeroplane glue in a confined space, don’t we....

Q:      I hope to make a living taking pet portraits – how should I set up my studio?

A:      Start off by getting business cards printed in two languages – cat and dog. Then give one to each inmate in the animal shelters and pet stores. You may need a receptionist for the telephone – may I suggest a parrot?

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 10

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Is it a sacrilege to use flash in a church during a wedding ceremony?

A:      No, but it is generally considered bad taste to fire it through a red filter, ignite flash powder, and wear a costume with horns and tail. Try not to employ the phrase “ Bwaahahahaha!”.

Q:      My accountant tells me that my photography business is booming but there never seems to be any money in the bank. How can this be?

A:      The first person that handles your money is your accountant, right? Glasses, suit, briefcase, Maserati, holiday home in Vanuatu, right? How can I put this....

Q:      How can I prevent people from breaching the copyright on my images?

A:      Make really bad images. Here, let me see your web site. Ahh. Put your mind at rest....

Q:      I asked for a discount – why is the price the same.

A:      We discounted your request.

Q:      What is your sales margin?

A       It is that white space over there on the side of the camera  catalogue where we write the sandwich orders for Subway. Which cheese do you want?

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 9

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      How do I get more depth of field in my macro shots?

A:      Depth O Spray. It is an aerosol can that you can get in camera shops. You hold can about 15cm away from the subject a press the button – depending on how thick a layer you spray you can get sharp focus from the front element of the lens to infinity. I find it is best to give 2 or 3 thinner coats and allow adequate time for the spray to dry between them. If you try to do one thick layer it runs and you get areas of blur.

You can also get green or orange Depth O Spray if you are working with flourescent or tungsten lighting.

Q:      Every time I turn my camera on it makes a grinding noise.

A:      I’ve got the opposite thing. Whenever I turn on the coffee machine it flashes and takes my picture. Wanna trade?

Q:      How can I pack my 3 camera bodies and 8 lenses into a school backpack under 1 Kilo for my trip up Mt. Everest?

A:      Woolpress.

Q:      No, really. I want to get professional pictures of the glories of the Himalayas and I don’t want to pay for excess baggage.

A:      Leave the cameras and lenses at home. Pack the school bag with traveller’s cheques. Buy postcards and post them back to yourself – they will have been taken by professionals and will be glorious. Try not to annoy the Sherpas, there’s a good fellow.

Q:      How many professionals should I employ for my wedding?

A:      Four. Two shooters, two loaders. Five if you want to detail someone to pick up the brass afterwards – this can pay for itself if you are using factory loads.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 8

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      This camera is only a week old and the lens won’t come out!

A:      It is probably afraid that you will drop it into the sand at the beach yet again. You don’t want a camera – you want a hermit crab.

Q:      I don’t think much of your advice!

A:      A wise attitude. I think very little as I proffer it. Don’t be discouraged – thinking and photography are very much like oil and water. Which reminds me – make sure you check the oil and water in your camera before you take it on holiday.

Q:      What is the ugliest digital camera available?

A:      The iSore.

Q:      How do they define a classic camera?

A:      A classic camera is anything with leather wrapped around it. If the leather has dried out and peeled off it is a classic collector’s opportunity. If it still opens it is a treasure. If it smells like a bag of Balkan socks it is an artistic instrument. Don’t get me started on the glass.

Q:      I want a digital camera that I can slip into my purse.

A:      And that, Madam, is precisely why we lock them away in a display cabinet. 

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 7

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      My brother-in-law said he got the same camera as I did but he got it for 50% less. Why is that?

A:      Because he lied. He wanted to make you feel anxious and inadequate. As you have no access to his credit card account you cannot check up on him. Repay the complement – get a cocktail napkin from the local lap-dance club and tell your sister that he left it at your place....

Q:      I want to make a small fortune in stock photography. How do I do it?

A:      Quit your day job, Buy $ 6000 worth of cameras, and wander around taking pictures of sunsets and graffiti. Soon you will have converted your big fortune to a small fortune.

Q:      I feel I need a mentor. Can you suggest one?

A:      Mentor? That was a brand of German cigarette between the wars....are you sure you want to take up smoking? Why not find someone to teach you photography?

Q:      My photography club wants to organize a field trip this summer – any suggestions?

A:      I should look out for a paddock with a ghost gum. Or an abandoned power station. Or a set of rocks with an ocean attached. Use ND 100X filters and short exposures – your viewers will thank you.

Q:      This camera you sold me is no good – I can’t get the card out!

A:      When they designed it, the Japanese manufacturers probably thought that no-one would actually be able to put a memory card in back to front and upside down. Foolish people.... Would you like to borrow my pocketknife to prise it out?

Note: in the 1960’s I saw a woman insert a 126 cartridge into an Instamatic camera upside down and manage to close the back. The image has remained with me to this day, as has her language.

Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 6

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      I hear there are rumours that ***** is bringing out a new DSLR. Is it true?

A:      Yes. ***** have the new ****D and their rivals, ***** have countered by introducing the D****. They will both have the revolutionary *** ** **** which means that all your lenses are now superceded. Remember that you read it here first.

Q:      Which professional photography organization is the most important in Australia?

A:      The BGAPA. It is the only accredited body that is licenced to judge, condemn, and dispose of  the printed images, digital files, and reputations of famous  photographers.

Q:      Does your camera shop have a silent partner?

A: I have worked here for 4 years and NONE of the partners are silent....

Q:      Is it possible to get a mirrorless full-frame camera?

A:      Yes. Give your DSLR a smart bang on the table and it will become mirrorless. Those of you using a ***** know exactly what I mean....

Q:      How do I do colour management in my computer?

A:      Turn the saturation down to zero. You’ll never be bothered by colour issues again. If you turn the brightness down to zero as well it can be quite restful.