Uncle Dick's Workshop - Friday 16

Every Friday at 10:00AM - we will be bringing you the sort of cutting-edge expertise that leaves ragged bits and sore fingers - Uncle Dick's Workshop. The advice is free - free from good sense in most instances....It really cranks up around the first of April.

Q:      Why don’t they make waterproof DSLR’s like they do waterproof compact cameras?

A:      They did, but people kept changing lenses at 20 metres and they got minnows onto the sensors.

Q:      Which camera do spies use these days?

A:      Latvian spies still use Minox, but that is because they are sentimental. Everyone else just use Google Earth. And you might want to stop that nude sunbaking in the back yard.....

Q:      How can I prevent being photographed by hidden police using cameras with telephoto lenses.

A:      Conduct your illegal activities on the front lawn at 10:00 in the morning. You’ll still get photographed but they can use portrait lenses. You’ll get much finer skin tones in court.

Q:      My zoom lens is soft.

A:      Well, stop leaving it on the parcel shelf of your car in the sunshine. It’ll end up a puddle of glass and plastic with a lens mount floating on top.

Q:      I want to take bridal pictures with the happy couple framed in a brandy glass or a floral heart. What equipment do I need?

A:      A safari suit, sideburns, and a body shirt plus gold chains around your neck. If you can manage a Zapata moustache and a comb-over your studio will be a success, particularly if you are a girl.