The Paper Shuffle - Part One - Lost In Space

If you are an old-school photographer like me you may occasionally be lost - lost on the back streets of  a new suburb at dusk before they put up the street signs, or lost for words at the latest horrible hipster trend...or just lost when it comes to which inkjet printing paper to use.

In the DOD ( Dear Old Days ) of fibre darkroom paper there was Kodak, Ilford, Fujifilm, and Agfa. There were 3-5 grades ranging from too soft to too hard, and there were imaginatively-named surfaces. Most of these were due to commercial imagination and you only ever printed on them once...but you could always fall back to matt, lustre, and gloss and find something for your film image. Single or double weight was a choice you made mostly on economic grounds.

 The advent of resin-coated paper was either wonderful or horrible, depending on whether you had water and time. The surface choices decreased.

Then the inkjet papers came along - and all of a sudden we had to figure out what gsm meant and what a profile was. Most of us still don't know what this is but we faithfully do what the paper makers say to do and generally things work out. I have adopted the sensible approach of letting the printer decide what it wants to do - the same approach I take to the relatives and the cat - and I am satisfied with the peace of mind.

But there's always that desire for a little more science - for a little more precision in the process. It has driven more people than I mad, so I am not willing to engage in the worst of the geekiness, but I have decided to look closely and see what it is that we are being given. I've no lab facilities but I do have a studio and I've decided to see what studio light can tell me about the printing papers that are on offer.

The methodology will be to to use grazing light to skim the papers while taking a macro picture of the surface. I do not expect to see much variation in the smoothness of a glossy paper, but I am curious to see what the pearl and lustre surfaces look like. The rougher and wilder papers are next after that - right down to the hand-laid ones.

I also want to see what relative amount of reflectance the papers send back, though the measurement may prove difficult. Not interested in percentages or numbers - interested in the look of the thing.

Finally, I want to see whether the gsm rating really does translate into a practical indicator for stiffness in the final product. I have long admired the stock that printers use for business cards  and other signage and have looked in vain for it in the inkjet papers. Home-made business cards, fake drivers licences, and eviction notices just do not have the dignity of the ones made on offset presses if they do not have the same crispness.

And no-one likes counterfeit money when it is soggy. I have had limited success with my line of  $ 7 and $ 8 Australian notes despite the colourful artwork and the choice of Australian Idol contestants as figureheads.

This column will publish results in a forthcoming series.

Uncle Dick

Classic Chrome In The Sunshine

The Fujifilm Classic Chrome setting for their X-T1, X-T10, X-1oot and X-E2 cameras is something inside them that makes jpeg images look like a slide film that was first developed in upstate New York in the 1930's and later modified to have more colour fidelity and higher ASA. The resemblance is uncanny - I cannot help but think that the electronics wizards at Fujifilm may have done it deliberately....Ahem....

All that said, it works. The images on this post were taken at St. Patrick's school ground for the Father's Day hot rod show yesterday. They were shot in medium jpeg, fine setting , and with the CC turned on. At the same time, a duplicate set of files in RAW setting were taken, as detailed in the Friday post. I'm delighted to say that the jpegs so well fulfil my concept that the RAW files were ditched as soon as the computer processing was done.

If you detect a slight blue bias to the shadow areas and bouncing off the chrome of the cars, you can attribute that to the bright blue sky of Fremantle. It was part of the day, so it stays. The school ground is also blue - it's not your eyes...

Note for car show attendees - the sausage sizzle stall at St. Pat's is always worth a go. Their $ 5.00 hamburgers were better than any commercial product in town. there was also a coffee van in attendance, though not my personal favourite - Craig Maugher and the Bootlegger Coffee yellow pickup. Look out for it at the shows.

Film 101 - Or How To Read The Fridge Before You Raid The Fridge

Some of our new clients are students and come to us with sheets of instructions from their schools - list of things to buy for their course. This is undoubtedly helpful to them as long as the writers of the lists are up-to-date in the trade and not given to impish humour. I would be quite the wrong person to write these as I would be sending the poor little students out looking for wooden plate cameras and Polachrome 35mm film...

When they come to see us the film requirements are pretty basic - 35mm rolls of either 125 ISO or 400 ISO black and white film seems to start off. Later they progress to colour via various means, but initially it is simple stuff.

But even here they can stumble on the variety of B&W films. Herewith some small clarifications:

a. 35mm film is sometimes marked as "135 film". It's a traditional thing and really the film is quite the same.

b. You can get B&W film from Ilford, Kodak, Fujifilm, and Rollei. The two first are most common. If someone sends you out for Ansco or Perutz or Gevaert they are practicing on you. Treat them with withering scorn.

c. Ilford Delta and standard Ilford are both B&W films but they are made differently. The Delta will give a finer grain but sometimes needs a different developer or developing time than the standard FP4 or HP5.

d. Ditto for Kodak T-Max and the older Kodak Tri-X. T-Max has finer grain than Tri-X. Careful with the boxes as Kodak has made these look somewhat alike.

e. We keep 'em cold because we keep 'em for months. You'll be using them up fast so you needn't refrigerate them.

Now for the colour section remember that your instructors will send you out for either colour negative film or colour transparency film.

a. Any Kodak or Fujifilm colour film name that ends with "chrome" is transparency film.
This can include Velvia, Ektachrome, Provia, or others.

b. Any film box that lists E-6, or AP44, or CR-56 processing contains colour transparency film.

c. American film is color film and Australian film is colour film. Semantics and national pride - the film is the same.

d. Ektar, Fujicolor NPH or NPC, Portra 160 or Porta 400 are colour negative films.

e. Any box that lists C-41 contains colour negative film.

The good news is that they all work and if you get your exposure right they work well. We used them for decades before the advent of digital and some of us still use them for specific jobs.

Your quota of good shots is three per 36-exposure cassette and one of these will be worth keeping. By the end of your course you may be able to recognise it.

Fillum Up With Fillum

I'm not just writing this blog post to use that pun, but you do have to admit it is quite attractive...

So - let yourselves be attracted to the back of the shop - the fillum fridge - and note that we have quite a variety in a present. I see 35mm and 120 black and white and colour  - both negative and transparency. Good stuff too. Kodak, Ilford, Agfa, Fujifilm.

All you need is a fillum camera and we know you have any number of these out there in your cupboards. And fillum cameras are pretty long -lived as cameras go. All the way from the Agfa Isolets and Clacks to the Contarexes and Leica M's and all the way from the Ensigns to the Hasselblad 500's....they all were sturdily made and a lot of them work just as well now as ever they did. You can bet on the Leica M's.

Sick of worrying about charging lithium-ion batteries? Sick of worrying about backup from a card while on the go? Good enough photographer to get the picture in three shots instead of three hundred? Well, get out the fillum camera and off you go.

Processing can be done by you - and we have B/W gear to help with this - or by Fitzgerald Photo labs or other fine photofinishers. You can scan negs and transparencies and then computer at them until you fall unconscious. The world is your lobster, as Arfur Daley would say, and with fillum you can store the resultant neg, slide, or print with far greater certainty that it will survive the next thunderstorm or hard drive crash. And it's damn hard to steal your images if they are hard-copy to start with.

The fillum fridge keeps the stuff cold and fresh, and now is the time to take it out into the landscape - while it is cold and fresh. Or into the studio where there is a coffee pot and biscuits.

July 12 - Kodak Brownie Day - Get Ready For a Blast From The Past

July 12th is the birthdate of George Eastman - long ago in 1854. Waterville, New York, actually. George was interested in photography...

To celebrate this birthday I am inviting or readers to set their digital cameras as follows:

ISO as low as possible - 50-100 is fine.

Aperture at f:11 in manual mode.

Shutter speed at 1/25 of a second in manual mode.

jpeg. sRGB. Basic quality.

Monochrome setting, if possible. You can make it sepia if you wish.

Aspect ratio - 1:1 if possible.

Manual focus set at 10 feet.

Now go out and take 12 pictures. 12 only, ' film ' is expensive...

Do NOT review the pictures on the LCD screen - just go on from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. Bring them back to your computer and display them out at 56mm x 56mm. No cheating - no photoshopping - no HDR - no plug-ins. Your first 12 pictures just as they come.

Show us the results. You have just used your own Kodak No.1 Brownie  (Digital Division) and if you have used it correctly you should have pictures of your family and the school fete and possibly Mundaring Weir. With luck they will be squinting into the sun. And very slightly blurred. Sun hats will be a bonus.

I'll try to feature the best on this blog.

Uncle Dick

Camera Electronic's Big Rack O' Volts - Promaster

If ever you needed a spare battery for your digital camera, now is the time to come in and get it. We have just put up a rack of Promaster rechargeable batteries that is about half the size of Tasmania.

There are modern batteries as well as slightly historic ones in the selection - and some from manufacturers that no longer make cameras. Altogether we have 95 pegs out with far more than 95 different types.

They are at an advantageous price and carry thee no-quibble Promaster warranty.

The really surprising thing is when you turn to the more ordinary battery rack on a side wall. There are the familiar D, C, AA, and AAA batteries that we all put into torches and kid's toys. There are the little flat 9 volt batteries that go into calculators. And the little silver cells that power cameras. All pretty standard sizes, and most camera manufacturers used to configure their products to take them readily.

So when did the camera designers thing it was a good idea to make the new gear with 95+ different types of battery?

Ah, well, philosophy aside, there are plenty of batteries for everybody now. Grab a spare before you go on your holiday or to the drag races. Or the drag show. Or Tasmania.

Kodachrome III At The Car Show

Those of you who are feeling the chill of winter settling into your bones would be well advised to visit the Swan Valley on any Sunday in January. The open areas, the reflective grass, and he lack of wind will serve to concentrate the heat for you. Should you be out in the direct rays of the sun at 12:00 you will get the full benefit. As it was, yesterday the mad dogs and the Englishmen were sitting in the shade with cold drinks while the rest of us - the car enthusiasts - strode manfully round the paddocks and fried.

In my case it was all science - I was trying out the new Classic Chrome jpeg setting in my Fujifilm X-E2 camera and seeing if I could get the camera and the Fujifilm EF 42 flash to adequately cope with the contrast glare. Those of you who follow this  shop blog or my own " Here All Week" blog at hrhoa.wordpress.com will know that the Fujifilm X-100 cameras and the EF 42 flash are well able to do the mid-day shoots, but this time it was the turn of the X-E2.

The Classic Chrome was a gift from Fujifilm in a Cristmas-time firmware upgrade. Together with interval shooting and control from my iPad ( Which works quite well.) it is an addition to the insides that you can put in yourself.

Classic Chrome? Well, they already have some film-simulation settings in all their cameras that replicate Fujifilm transparency films pretty well - Provia, Velvia, and Astia are in there if you look for them. I don't think they are going to say the K word for legal reasons, but quite frankly that is the look that is coming out of this setting - and I am prepared to cheer them on.

I have decades of Kodachrome and Ektachrome slides in my library - as well as Ansco, Ward, Sears, Agfa, Ferrania, and Perutz films. Some started out well but have gone all manky - the Agfa are worst for fugitive dies. Some started out horrible and have stayed that way - Ansco and Ferrania come to mind. Some have started out well and remain so to this day - The Kodachrome slides are still colourful and accurate. Surprisingly, so are the cheapies I got from Montgomery Ward in the 1960's - Pure luck, I suppose.

Point is, I have direct examples to compare the new files to. I think that Fujifilm have done us a signal service in this upgrade as it means that we can recreate the 60's look digitally.

I am not saying it is the most accurate look at colour - it never was. It deals with contrast differently than standard digital outputs. Colours can be muted in some segments of the spectrum, and intense in others. Shadows can be well handled but some highlights can blow - well, that is what what Kodachrome did and what everything does in the Swan Valley on a summer Sunday. No cloud + white car tops + chrome bumpers = blowout. Boom. If you want to avoid this bring your own cumulo nimbus and park it over Midland.

Into retro? Try Classic Chrome. I love it - I love it a lot.

Still Very Much Alive

On my private Facebook page I sometimes read positive assertions from friends that they don't make film any more. Then I come to work and look at the fridge full of different varieties of fresh 135, 120, and 4 x 5 film. Colour neg, colour transparency, black and white, infra red, instant peel-apart...if they are not making it, where does it all come from month after month?

I have stopped believing in the supernatural, so that rules out film fairies. I suspect that the factories that coat the emulsions are still going and the business is very much alive - good news for users of older analog cameras. Depending upon which camera you have, you should be able to shoot film long into the future.

Note: if you are using Leica or Hasselblad cameras they will last four years longer than forever anyway...

Note also that the pro labs are still going strong and can cope with ( nearly ) anything you can load into your camera. The lab techs might shake their heads but they soldier on anyway.

New Film Format Arrives - Exclusive To Camera Electronic

Well, it arrived. The sample film from my friend at Corrigan AFB arrived today - see heading picture. Dominic was unsure whether we should keep it in the fridge but as we are going to be loading it into the special camera later in the day we decided that it could be left out.

 This is a point that we get asked by a number of customers - generally we reply that while we keep the film in the fridge against the chance of colour changes in hot weather, once they take it out there is unlikely to be such a long period of danger before they expose and process it. All that being said, I did make the mistake in my own studio of leaving several 4 x 5 colour negative holders out of the fridge over several months of summer and the results when I did use them were dreadful. It was funky but not by intention. Discretion is advised.

The new Kodak film will be loaded into a M/Y Cro IIIA surveillance camera fitted to one of the visiting aircraft. I haven't been given details of the mounting but I guess it would be one of those external pods similar to the ones that the RCAF used. From what I can find on the net this sort of thing is demountable and can be shifted between different aircraft. It means that a basic air force or in this case a " civilian " user can make use of smaller vehicles - it is unlikely that they could stretch to a complete RB 36 unit.

It's surprising how the aerial photography thing has taken off here in Perth. Guess it is driven by the real estate trade as much as anything. We see a number of our clients utilising power-extending poles and computer-controlled mounts to get an elevated viewpoint. Several have tried to make powered drones do the job but I think the DCA has put restrictions on this. At least the user of the new film in the M/Y Cro IIIA won't be troubled with that sort of interference while working. We're looking forward to seeing the pictures once they are processed.

The Cold War Heats Up - With Kodak

Relax - no need to go into the fallout shelter just yet. The Russians are only annexing their neighbours and we don't live that near them. Just don't go investing your superannuation in Lomo camera shares....

Actually, I am not sure if it is the increase in international tensions or just a clever ploy by Rochester to get money from the government, but I note hat there is a new aerial film format being introduced later this month. Apparently digital imaging from near-space just does not have the resolution that film can provide, so they are going back to flying over  potential targets and photographing them with regular cameras. The RB36 has been mooted as the best platform.

Of course these are not just "regular" cameras - they need to have a big format to pack all the information in. Thus the new film format. Rumour has it they use colour negative film, but I don't know what emulsion.

I've asked a friend who works at Corrigan AFB if he can get me a roll of it to test out. I am not quite sure if my Linhof monorail camera will take it, but this sort of opportunity is too good to miss. I'll report whatever success when the film arrives.

Uncle Dick

Cameras In The Trenches - The Next Four Years

We are just about to see the centenary of the First World War. From August of this year to November of 2018 we are going to get periodic reminders of the events of the twentieth century - spaced out as manufacturers, film producers, and politicians cash in on the thing. I have a number of predictions for the photographic side of it.

1. There will be an ANZAC camera - in fact several of them.

 Someone will package up a film disposable with images of ANZAC cove and an Australian...and possibly New Zealand... flag printed on the cardboard outer sleeve. it is likely that the RSL will sell them from street stalls at the appropriate time of the year - it is absolutely certain that they will appear on eBay from Hong Kong.

There will also be a commemorative waterproof camera produced by either Nikon, Canon, Panasonic, or Olympus with some sort of ANZAC marketing. Perfect for capturing pictures at dawn on a beach.

There will be a professional ANZAC video camera developed by the ABC. It will be issued to film crews covering various commemoration ceremonies. The most interesting feature of the device will be the incorporation of the "reptile-recognition" button. Whenever this is pressed the camera will automatically focus upon a state or federal politician with a sombre expression on their face. It will hold this focus until the politician's rating in the Gallup poll rises by 2%.

2. The Leica company will re-issue a re-issue of the Leica O camera with a digital sensor inside. It will not function, but this is not viewed as a problem - indeed it can't be vied at all - the entire production run will be sent directly from Wetzlar to Hong Kong and will disappear into the interior of China.

3. The Reica company of Guang Zhao will issue a re-issue of a re-issue of a camera that looks really very much like a...Oh...whatever was I thinking?

4. Kodak will invent a new film format, then cancel it, then go broke again.

5. The Ilford company will issue anti-Zeppelin film for use in 35mm cameras. We will stock it here at Camera Electornic and can confidently predict that the city will not be attacked by Zeppelins. We do our bit for Australia.

6. LOMO will make something out of plastic that exposes film through a plastic lens. It will resemble a camera. It will be packaged in 115 layers of propaganda and cost as much as a small digital camera. It will be themed upon WW1. In 2017 it will be repackaged as a revolutionary product. It will be manufactured in China.

7. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT will be re-filmed with aliens and pirates. It will star Angelina Jolie in the role that originally used Ernest Borgnine.
Will Smith may star as the Kaiser if contractual arrangements work out. If the Japanese buy into the financing there will be Hello Kitty in a stahlhelm with a Mauser rifle as a sniper.

8. The Department of Maintenance will take take the opportunity of changing and cleaning the carpets in Parliament House in Canberra during April 2015. All the federal politicians, advisers, secretaries, and ABC camera operators will be fact-finding and commemorating in Turkey during this month and it will give time to let the carpet glue smell dissipate. A large mat will be put out the front door to get the beach sand off when they came back...

9. Camera club presentations nights will feature military and naval subjects. The local re-enactors will be seen from every angle. Someone will fall over on parade and appear on the front page of the local paper.

10. Four good movies will be made of the conflict - one will involve airplanes and will be filmed by Peter Jackson. One will be of trench warfare and will be filmed in Yugoslavia.
If it is paid for by the French they will show more people sitting around eating than fighting. The American film industry will craft something around Belleau Wood.
The Swedes will make something gritty and depressed and the Germans will help them do it but it will pale into insignificance with the spectacular that the Russians will make in 2017 to celebrate being revolting. The theme of the 2017 Russian film will be " We were right - really we were. Honest to Putin, we were."

Put on your tin hats and look for a better 'ole...

'Ol Uncle Dick

Snap!

I knew it. I knew I had seen that camera somewhere before. It has been bugging me for months, but I knew I had seen it.

Then I googled the Kodak Retina Reflex IV. Snap. Olympus are channelling the German Retina Reflex. Okay the original is a leaf-shutter mid-quality plastic-bodied 35mm SLR camera and the Olympus is a metal-bodied micro 4/3 mirrorless that can turn out 1000% better photos...they have obviously been designed by the same person. Now as the Retina Reflex was produced 50 years ago, it begs the question where they hid the designer in the interim.

Questions must be asked.

Doin' The Numbers - You Can Too

Went on holiday in Europe in 1973. Went on holiday in Europe in 1995. Went on holiday in Melbourne in 2013. Took 1000 pictures each time. Here's the numbers - see if you think the world has got better...

1973. S/H Leica M2 - 50mm f:2.8 Elmar, S/H 35mm f:3.5 Something Leica with spectacles, S/H 90mm Elmar f:4 collapsible. Agfa CT 18 50 ISO. Billingham bag. Slides still exist - yellow dye has disappeared from them so they are magenta monsters...

1995. S/H Nikon F3, S/H 50mm f.1.4 Nikkor, S/H 16mm F:4 Nikkor, New 85mm f:2 Nikkor. Kodak Kodachrome 200 ISO. Lowepro bag. Slides still exist  - colours fast.

2013. New Fuji X-10, 28-112 f:2 Fujinon. Crumpler bag. Jpeg images on Drobo at home.

Several ponts of interest here - the business of buying and using secondhand photographic equipment IS PERFECTLY ALRIGHT. I emphasise that because occasionally we get people who are so fastidious as to reject perfectly good gear because someone else has used it before. This can be a personal thing or a cultural thing or just a thing - but you might be missing out on some wonderful opportunities for shooting. The 35 in 1973 and the 16 in 1995 were lifesavers for the types of images I take. I couldn't have got them new, but they worked just fine secondhand.

Secondly - don't sit there and agonise over the money costs. Real photographers, as opposed to the dillettanti, spend what they need to spend to get what they want to do done. I spent money to get 1000 pictures of Europe or Melbourne and that was well spent.

Thirdly. The weight. I weighed 75 Kg in 1973 and 1995. I weigh 69 Kg now. You can ask me how I lost the 6 Kg but be warned - I'll show you the scars...The real weight question is the gear weight that I carried around:

1973 - 3460 grammes

1995 - 3520 grammes

2013 - 1080 grammes

Fourthly. The X-rays and inspections. Went through 9 airports on the European journeys; the 1973 ones had little or no X-ray inspection - the 1995 had a lot of it. The domestic Australian inspection is a breeze and if you look interesting they'll also swab you for explosives and pat you down. I was clean, but i went back for seconds because the lady who did it had warm hands...

But what about hauling film through the rays, versus memory cards. Wouldn't like to do the film, the cards seem to be immune.

Fifthly. Processing. Two weeks after I returned from Europe I had 1000 slides in boxes ready for projection. Twenty minutes after I returned from Melbourne I had 1000 images in the Drobo and had emailed the good ones to my mates.

Sixthly. When was the picture taken? I can see the sequence of slides by looking at the edge of the film, but if I wanted to have a time and date I needed to keep a paper notebook. THAT lasted about one day, I can tell you...

So - You can do the figures yourself, but you can see why I am smiling. I now shoot with a third of the carriage weight with a wider range of focal lengths, and a choice of colour or monochrome renditions at my fingertips - even " mid-roll ". One filter only. You can X ray me until my buttons melt and the pictures will be unaffected. No lens changing. As many copies of my work as I like for free and I can make them myself with a cup of coffee in hand. Plus there is a record with each shot of what date and when it was taken - and this information isn't burnt into the open face of the image in yellow letters.

And finally - an on-board flash that lets me do selfies in restaurants. You can't do that with the big flashes on film cameras. Well, actually, you can, but they throw you out of the restaurant after one shot...

The Wurst-Käse Scenario

Many people have seen the uniforms of troops in the German army and noticed the various pouches and attachments that they have on their gear, ammunition pouches, entrenching tools, gas mask containers, etc. Few know the significance of the small sealed box on the upper left hand strap of the 1917-model field webbing.

It is seen in old photographs of the period and can sometimes be offered in militaria auctions. Rarely is it seen in the unopened form, but recently at Denby's in El Paso one of these originals showed up and after it was sold the collector who had bought it agreed to open it for the camera. It contained the  remains of three small sausages and a block of extremely hard cheese - the seal must have been good enough to prevent total spoilage over the the last 90-odd years.

The collector explained that this was the emergency ration of the observation-corps soldier, to be used only if all other rations had been expended, he was trapped far behind enemy lines, and on the point of death from starvation - the seal was to keep the food edible but there was a military law that forbid breaking it under any other circumstances.

It was the the sort of dire situation that gave rise to the Wurst-Käse scenario...

Which brings us to the topic of this post. Most people come into the shop looking for the best camera. They all ask for it. They all search for it on the internet. They all know someone who has advised them to get it...

Hardly anyone comes in looking for the worst camera. Oh, there are a few who do - they are very special people. Very. Special. And they have got me thinking that their approach to the art and science of photography might be a good test for the rest of us.

To that end, I shall be proposing a small contest later in the year - open to amateur and professional alike. There will be publicity, prizes, and probably art. Or artillery. Either way, there will be sausages and cheese.

All Someone Else's Yesterdays...

Did goe to the Photographic Markets yesterday and was greatley amused.

As a stroller, not a seller, I was able to observe many things that have heretofore escaped notice. And a number of these observations have set in train essayable thought:

1. There is only so much valuable old material in any one area of the world, whether that material be Leica cameras or Vermeer paintings or old Soviet warheads. Eventually it will all have been sold to the Chinese, or the Dutch, or the Poles. Then the supply will dry up. After that the articles on offer will be Ansco 127 flash cameras, lithographs of Wave Rock in a plastic frame, and Holgas. Who will we find to buy these?

2. Just as there is no Eldorado, Tall Dark Man, or Shangri La, there is no secret stash of mint-condition Leica cameras and lenses that will be offered by a bereaved family eager to sell them for pennies.

3. " You can still get film for it" may be a true statement and may form the basis for a sales offer, but it should be accompanied by the other statements:

    " You can get the film from China by writing to them in their native language and paying 18 x the normal freight charges for it to arrive."

    " The film will have been made in 1975 as traffic-recording film and will be re-sized and cut to new
dimensions."

    " No-one in the metro area will touch it for processing. The metro area extends from Rottnest to the Great Barrier Reef..."

    " The film is made in a re-activated factory by re-activated workers. It is like watching a zombie video but each packet costs the price of a steak dinner."

4. If you wish to buy a secondhand tripod, remember that the quick-release plate will be missing and no-one will have another to replace it. Resign yourself to carving a new one from mahogany. It might be wise to purchase an old piano for the wood.

5. The cakes, biscuits, and coffee are really very good. Bugger the cameras - drift down the back of the hall and have breakfast.

6. Yes, that is the person you saw in the shop. No, that is not shop stock.

7. Load thee not the aged software into thy computer lest the viruses contained therein render thy equipment dead. Hope not for a magic grail that will make all thy images winners, for Lo, if the judges thought they were rubbish when they could see them clearly, they are not likely to change their minds when they are obscured by crude filters.

8. Buy a Bolex. Do not hope to run it any time soon, or ever, but buy it for the sheer art of its construction. Make whatever excuse that you need to at home, but have at least one on your shelf to cheer your heart.

9. " Buy a no-name studio flash system in a cardboard box? Pick it up and plug it in? Hold the head in the hand while you fondle the aged wiring and then fire it off? Why, sure! Go right ahead. I'll just be over here behind this solid wood door. "

10. How much for the two books? A dollar? Thank you, I'll take them. ( Sound of scurrying and chortling - in both directions. A successful sale. )

Uncle Dick

Paul Bunyan's Camera - Shen Hao

No, I'm afraid you can't buy it from us. We don't have one in the shop. The images are of a camera that was sold over a year ago.

The story started about 8 years ago - at the height of the publicity about the 4" x 5" Shen Hao cameras from China. They were just just coming on the market and their website was fun to look at. One little section buried deep n the menu referred to a 10" x 12" camera. This is what popped up.

It is a copy of a Kodak studio camera of the 1900's Wooden frame and body, cloth bellows. brass and steel fittings. It takes wooden book-form plate holders for either 10" x 12" or 6" x 8" glass plates. There is a Chinese copy of a Russian copy of a German lens on a revolving turret in the front and a sturdy Packard shutter behind this.

It winds up with the artillery wheel and leans forward and sideways with the screw handles. The wooden back is reversible and can be fitted with an indexing plate holder that moves it from side to side. You get a vast variety of plastic dividers and grids - you can make passport pictures for the whole village on one glass plate.

And I suspect that is exactly what it was, and is used for. Somewhere in the interior of China these are still being made and used. There is a wooden studio where this is being trundled around daily doing the bureaucratic images for the party records. I was never able to find out where they got their glass plates from but I'll bet they still make them.

It was cheap - I paid $ 700 for it plus shipping from Shanghai via Singapore. It arrived in two of the biggest and ugliest crates I have ever seen - firewood for ages - and took a day to assemble as the instructions were all in Chinese and were still in Shanghai.

I used it for years, until another enthusiast bought it for use at a photographic school in Queensland. The shipping was an epic, but I believe it arrived safely and he was happy.

Note, I also synched the shutter - with a piece of piano wire and a coil spring on the piston of the Packard. I was hoping to find lycopodium flash powder to complete the effect but was defeated by the safety laws. Dang.

Uncle Dick

I Read Where...With Three Legged Thing

First off - the opening picture is taken with a special scientific lens by special scientists. It shows an actual breeding colony of tripods - in this case the Three Legged Things. Note how the smaller members of the pod are protected by the larger ones. This is the sort of thing that David Attenborough should get on to. Tripods smell better than gorillas.


The following pictures were also taken with a camera and show the nesting colony of the Pellicula Luxus. It was taken in a cave on 230 Stirling Street, in Perth.

This is to counter the recent assertion from a customer that he had read on the internet that you can't get film any more. Note how the different species nest in their own portion of the cave - not from animosity but to help the mothers find their young. It is said that a roll of 120 Pellicula can distinguish their chick - the 35mm Pellicula - from amongst over 30 different other varieties.

Sometimes I wonder if the people who read the internet do so exclusively at the expense of looking out into real life. 'Course you wouldn't do that, would you friend?

Uncle Dick

Kodak Slide Film Slides Away

Well, if you want it, come and get it
Better get it while it's cold.
If you want it, why not try it
Get it 'fore it's all sold.
Kodak slide film running out
That's why we all scream and shout
If you want it, come and get it
Come and get it while it's cold.

Now if you like it, come and get it
Better get it while it's sold.
If you need it, come and grab it
Kodak slide film set to fold.
No more trannies, that's for certain
Whole damn deal is gone for a Burton.
If you want it, come and get it
Better get it while it's cold.

When it's gone, well we'll all miss it
Better get it while you can.
Once we sell out you can kiss it
Bye bye, not happy Jan.
Kodak drops a line of goods
Wandering like an orphan in the woods.
But if you rush in, you can buy it,
Better get it while you can.