Photokina Is Coming - Start the Rumour Mills

Photokina is coming in September. Köln will be preparing now, making sure that the fire lanes are free of interference and the barricades that filter the tourists into the selling zones are properly braced. Water cisterns will be filled and the field hospital attendants will be laying out dressings.

It is not too early to rev up the rumour mills and engage the clutches. We want to make sure that the level of despair is high enough amongst the camera enthusiasts to ensure a lively trade. Some may peak early and have to be confined to a low diet and a canvas waistcoat but that happens whenever the European summer comes on any way.

Rumour 1.  Sony Will Make A Medium Format Camera based On A Minolta Autocord TLR. This is a beauty if only for the mental picture of someone peering down into a waist-level finder. Actually, that would be cool - at least with a plain old folding WL finder you got a bit of shading from side light.

Rumour 2.  Lomo will send hit squads of special troops to seize the nearest camera manufacturer on the grounds that several of the employees can speak Russian. No-one will do a darn thing about it.

Rumour 3. Krupp will issue a 100-year commemorative shell for their 420mm howitzer. It will be available in chrome or black and will have " Siege of Liege and Namur" engraved on the nose. Buyers are cautioned not to drop it on the fuse as this voids the warranty and about three city blocks...

Rumour 4. The French photographers will mount an exhibition of the decisive moment as soon as they decide when it is.

Rumour 5.  Unsatisfied still with cameras that have micro-projectors, two LCD screens, pet smile detection, and built-in schoolgirl photo-bombers, the Japanese Photographic industry will introduce a new class of camera that contains internal memory of every scene in the world. When you point it at your subject it compares what you are about to do with what a trained professional has already done and if your framing and composition is identical it allows you to press the button. If not, a spike shoots up out of the hand grip and pokes you. Photographers get better quickly.

Rumour 6.  All production of new lenses will cease until you buy all the old ones. This means you, slacker. Get out your money.

Rumour 7. Nikon will take over all Canon factories. Canon will take over all Pentax factories. Pentax will take over all Sony factories. Sony will take over all Nikon factories. Then the music will stop and we'll all have cake. Lots and lots of cake.

 I hope this will enable you to get into the mood of the summer. Those of you who plan to travel to Sarajevo looking for Austrian royalty will already be on beam. These 100-year anniversaries can really go with a bang.